Over One Hurdle…

I finished my chemotherapy on Christmas eve and my radiation will be done by the 30th. While I’m writing this still weakened and a little nauseated from the last treatment, I’m feeling both a sense of hope this is finally coming to an end, and anxiety for the next step, which is the surgery and the recovery to follow that.

Right now, I have a 4 t0 6 week recovery time, from the chemo, before they want to schedule me for the surgery to remove the tumor. This is where they want me to build up my weight and my strength again, before going into the process of cutting me open to get ‘Jar-Jar’ out of me. While I’m happy as hell I’ve made it through chemo with my hair intact, and I’m looking forward to not having to go to the cancer center every day, I am going to miss seeing my dad as much as I have been over this month or so. We’ve gotten a lot closer I think and I’m going to miss the conversations we have during treatment.

I’m hoping I recover swiftly from the chemotherapy and radiation. I cannot stand what it has done to my body and moreover what it has done to my mind. My drive to do things has been utterly decimated and my will to create simply doesn’t exist. In this time, I hope they heal as quickly as my body does. I need to be able to put my mind to things again to feel whole. I want to want to do things again. I want to be able to taste food again and have it be meaningful (that’s another thing this has done to me, dulled my sense of taste). I want this apathy to go away, so I can start recovering me again.

…and here’s to the next hurdle. 🙂

-Tim

 

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2 responses to “Over One Hurdle…

  1. Hi Tim,

    Thanks for keeping us up to date on your journey. I can’t say I know what chemo is like, but I do understand (on a smaller level) the anxiety of looming surgery and general uncertainty. I’m glad you were able to see your dad and that he was there for you. Please, please give yourself a lot of leeway. When it comes to illness, strong medications, and pain your mind centers on keeping your body going…and that’s pretty much it. For now. You will want to do things again. Food will taste good again. Your urge to write will return. But, for now, honor this rest time.

    Best wishes to you for health and healing in the new year.

    Nancy

    • I hope you’re right. I’m so tired of feeling like a zombie and just looking at things I care about with such indifference. Tomorrow is the last day for radiation, then I start the New Year in the chemo recovery mode. Thank you for being supportive too. Means a lot. -Tim

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